I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
