Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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