I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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