A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
