Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
