thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
