I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
