he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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