Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
