between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
