you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
