She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
