who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
