i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
