so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
