why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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