can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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