My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
