Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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