im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
