I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
