If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
