i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
