Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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