So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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