i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
