final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
