It's like a parade of train wrecks.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
