There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
