after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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