They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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