i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Vodka?
Forever.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
