i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
we're so committed to being not committed
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
