A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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