It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
