I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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