FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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