Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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