I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
