I didn't shave. On purpose
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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