Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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