Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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