I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
