If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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