1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
