I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
