Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
