why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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