How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I love having hate sex.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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