dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
