If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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