Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
