this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
