please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
