I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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