I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
