mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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